It happened somewhere around a 3 year conversation...
My friend and I have been talking about being single for about 3 years. We both practice celibate lifestyles and both find it challenging while we date. The question comes up often in wondering if celibacy is the reason why we both are still single and not married. We often debate about when is the right time to tell said male interest that we practice said lifestyle. I say from the very beginning is the best time, she tends to like to wait until the topic comes up.
Now let me say this before I continue. Do I believe you can find the love of your life while practicing a celibate lifestyle? Yes. But the thing about it is that both people need to be on the same page mentally when it comes to the topic. Also the celibate person has to understand why they’re celibate. If your sole purpose for holding out is to get a man, then you might as well gone on and get you some because you’re going to be miserable and mean while you wait. But if you’re doing it because you believe in the sober clarity that celibacy brings to you while you date, then your contentment will take you a long way!
I’m going to tell you now that this post may end up being all over the place. Simply because there are many points that I can make with this very topic from my experiences as being celibate and dating, but I’m only going to talk about 4.
1. A celibate individual should not be seen as a challenge.
2. Don’t let celibacy make you marry quickly.
3. Celibate individuals still understand the importance sexual chemistry and sensuality.
4. The Celibate Vs. The Non-Celibate
So for those who don’t know, being celibate is when you abstain from a sexual relationship for a period of time. For the religious folks in the room it’s usually until marriage. While you have others who choose the lifestyle to find deeper connections in the dating world and to not increase their body count due to the countless failed relationships.
In 2005 I gave my life to the Lord and vowed to be celibate until marriage. Prior to meeting my ex-husband in 2007, I had one serious relationship in 2006. Basically that relationship didn’t go well because he didn’t respect the boundaries of my celibacy. I was a challenge to him. He was a macho man and couldn’t understand how his magic powers didn’t work on me. So the more time we spent together, the more I ended up fighting him off of me to avoid fornication. It was a rough 8 month relationship until one day I had had enough and broke it off with him.
I’m going to speak to both men and women, but mostly to men. If you find yourself interested in a person that is celibate you need to have a hard conversation with yourself. Can you really handle a relationship that doesn’t involve sex? Can you put your ego to the side and not make that person a challenge of if you can conquer, being the one that breaks their celibacy?
Most serious celibate people who are committed to the lifestyle usually know their boundaries of what they can take and what they can’t take. Also usually when they know they’re having a bad day (e.g. sexually frustrated) they will usually avoid the opposite sex or person of interest until the feeling passes.
Men, and women, it is selfish of you to date a celibate person knowing you have a desire for sex that is uncontrolled. Because trust me, that celibate person wants you to be celibate with them once you all establish that you’re in a committed relationship. And honestly, they respect you more if you don’t waste their time and just be honest and say you don’t think you could be committed in that way. Even from the very beginning it’s OK to be honest about it.
That’s why I say it’s best to tell a person you’re celibate in that first convo, than to allow yourself to develop a strong interest only for it to be chopped off at the head. I’ve developed a thick skin over the years, so it bothers me none when a guy walks away because he chooses not to be bothered.
Which brings me to the next topic. OK, you come into contact with someone that is willing to wait. I see you doing the cabbage-patch… Nice feeling, I know. 3 months in and everything is going right. You know this has to be the person you’re going to marry. But let me ask you this question… What are your conversations like?
No, I’m not talking about conversations filled with the topic of sex. I’m talking about have you two really gotten to know each other. How honest are your conversations? What have you been talking about? Have you two been in bliss and la-la land and don’t even know each other’s middle names? OK, maybe that’s not a big deal to you, but what do you know about each other when it comes to raising kids, finances, gender roles in the relationship, etc.?
There are so many things you really need to know about a person before you can say they’re the one. Have you had a fight yet? That’s important. You usually get to know a person better when you’ve had a real emotional fight – that’s when true character comes out. The point of a being celibate while dating is to be able to think more clearly and to see vividly. If you’re going to choose to be celibate, see without the sex goggles, and ignore the red flags anyway then you’re wasting your own time.
A person that I love, we consider each other to be best friends. We have some hard conversations. We have some truthful conversations, some of which leave us both with hurt feelings. But we recognize we need to have those conversations in order to truly get to know one another. Although I believe it takes a lifetime to really get to know someone, and even then you still don’t know them, I’m not opposed to getting married to someone within a year of knowing them. However, y’all better had 20-questioned each other over and over and to death so you can’t say you were blind-sided by their way of thinking or character.
I so want to go Biblical in this post but I’m going to save those thoughts for a Circa Faith post. We’re going to keep things simple and general for all to enjoy.
On to the next point, I want to make it clear for those that think celibate people will lack something in the bedroom. A common misunderstanding is that celibate individuals are dull and boring - farthest from the truth. Just because we don’t talk about sex with you – with good reason to avoid either party getting aroused and to avoid and unnecessary fight of the flesh – doesn’t mean we don’t talk about it. Celibate people have some of the dirtiest minds, probably because of the lack of sex.
We are fully aware of sexuality and sensuality. Because celibate people are more clear minded their radar for chemistry is at a higher frequency. The common speech that celibate friends have with one another is: if we can’t see ourselves kissing that person or being intimate with that person we won’t pursue anything with them. Do you find that interesting? Why would a person who is not focused on sex look for sexual chemistry in another person that they’re not going to have sex with until marriage? It’s a simple answer. Because if we’re going to be waiting and don’t get to try out the goods we at least want to know that we’re sexually attracted to them.
As a woman and I’ll speak for myself, I usually know if I’ll have a ‘good time’ with someone just based off our chemistry. I’m not a virgin so I know what I like and how to get it when it comes to bedroom action. I’m not in fear of being disappointed because I know how to make things work for me. And for most women sex is mental for them. If you have a great mental connection with a woman and feed her emotions properly, you’ll most likely have a win-win in the bedroom. If you’re a strong man who can lead then you don’t have to worry about how things are going to be. Love makes anything better than what it really is. Trust me, I know! I’ve been in love and lust a few times in my life and can say those sexual relationships were quite satisfying to me.
We make the no sex thing more than what it is because we live in a very lust driven society. We make having sex such a big deal that we often end up in relationships with people we don’t even like. Prime example of how we allow lust to overtake our lives. How many of you reading this post hate your baby mama or baby daddy? How many of you have some regretful relationships all because it was driven by the lust to have sex. Once the sex subsides for some they end up looking at certain relationships and wonder what they ever saw in that person. The sex was good and you were blinded by who they really were.
Which brings me to the part of this post that I really like: The Celibate Vs. The Non-Celibate. The main reason for writing this post is to answer the question of is my vow to celibacy the reason why I’m single. I’m going to answer the question and say no. My unwillingness to put up with certain things is the reason why I’m single. I’ve had the opportunity to be with someone who was willing to put up with my celibacy, but truthfully he just wasn’t the man for me – so I chose to walk away. I get men that approach me but they don’t tickle my fancy, so I respectfully decline their offers. I even have someone I love at the moment, but quite honestly I don’t know if we’re going to make it because it’s just complicated.
One of the main things I hear from fellow celibate women is that men don’t look their way or that no one is interested in them. But I find this to be a skewed perspective. The thing is a man doesn’t know you’re celibate when he first looks at you. And men do find us interesting.
First let’s filter through a few things. Unless you’re a thot and don’t have a very vocal presence, 75% of the men who see you will be intimidated to approach you. So stop assuming that men don’t see you, they do see you they’re just afraid to open their mouths.
Some men are giving you subtle hints that they’re interested but you’re so focused on other things or persons that you miss it. The universe never seems to work in tandem all of the time. We’re all on the hamster wheel, the person who likes you, you don’t notice because you like someone else, who doesn’t notice because they like someone else. Your secret admirer keeps trying to wait for that opportunity to shoot their shot but you’re not opening up that window. They’re ringing the front door bell, but you keep going to the back door.
And stop being so mean by saying if he’s scared then you don’t want him anyway or he’s not the man for you. It’s really not a matter of them being scared, we just keep killing his ego. Like seriously, I know some strong men who have admitted they’re just waiting to jump in the rope. One in particular told me it took him months to say something to me because he was sure I had a boyfriend.
Also look at your social media friends list, the friends and family you know in real life who have not taken the vow to celibacy. The memes they share, statuses they make, and conversations you’ve had with them shows you that they’re having the same dating issues as you. They go through the same struggles of meeting a guy, liking the guy, finding out he’s an f-boy, having to break up with the guy, and then starting all over.
If having sex guaranteed you marriage, then we wouldn’t see this epidemic of single people out here in the world. I know many of women who are having sex and find themselves in situationships. Men treating them like crap and unwilling to make a commitment to them. At least in your situation of celibacy it’s much easier for you to break that emotional bond than that physical bond you would have created by having sex with this guy that sold you the sun, moon, and stars.
Like seriously, they are going through the same thing you’re going through, they’re just having sex while doing it. You’re single because it’s just a lack of people willing to make commitments to marriage – your celibacy is just one of the factors that contribute to it.
Sis., Bro., you have to learn to get to a place of contentment. I know it’s easier said than done. But if you’re celibate and miserable, like for real, reevaluate your reason for celibacy. If you’re doing it for religious reasons then recheck the word. God never promised to you that he was going to bless you with a spouse. Celibacy is his law. You have to allow that law to consume you even if that spouse never comes. If you’re doing it because you want to have better experiences while dating then stay encouraged. Sex is usually a mind blinder and you’re just feeling the effects of experiencing your dating life with no anesthesia.
The one thing I understand about dating while celibate is you have to develop a thick skin, be willing to be vulnerable, and understand you’re going to have to kiss A LOT of frogs. We let our frustrations of the dating process make us give up. Don’t give up, sweetie. Hang in there. Your celibacy is not in vain.