Circa Faith: I'm Not OK!

It happened somewhere around a reality check from a loved one...

This post here, I’m breaking my own rule. Usually my motto for my life is to share something I’ve gone through AFTER I’ve conquered and defeated the challenge. Because it’s not a testimony until you’ve overcome, right?

But then I’m reminded of something else the Bible shares with us that not many of us do. The Bible says confess your faults… for confession is good for the soul.

We get so caught up in keeping facades that we overlook the power of confession. I’m confessing that I’m not OK! In the last two weeks, I can estimate that I’ve been asked by different people over 10 times, both publicly and privately, if I were OK. To which I answered them all, “yes, I’m good.” Lies. All lies.

I’m a prideful woman so I have to keep the notion alive that I got this. It’s imperative of me to keep the notion of optimism present, right? Because truly, people shy away from Complaining Carol, Depressed Deborah, and Sad Suzy. So I decided to be Optimistic, Hopeful Ty. Clearly, if I keep the positive vibes alive then all goodness would come to me. Right?

Flashback: Summer 2017. Finally the year I came out of whatever bondage I was in to feeling like I had some form of breath of life in my heart. I decided to take a different outlook on life and adapted to the motto of YOLO (you only live once). I started dating and experimenting, trying to figure out what I was going to do with the next 35 years of my life.

In the midst of that I began to, as my Pastor calls it, follow the Lord afar off. When you follow God from afar this is you still having a heart for God but you’re in a place of, for lack of a better term, rebellion and low faith. The confession was there but lack of action was nowhere to be found. Still going to church, still singing on the praise and worship team and choir, still very active in the house of the Lord. But it was all a form of godliness. However, I hadn’t jumped off the deep end, yet.

I was in dangerous territory because I no longer had the armor of God. God was in my heart but the Holy Ghost was no longer dwelling in my vessel. I wrote a post a while back entitled, Your Magic Doesn’t Work On Me (read it here). Welp, someone’s magic indeed worked on me. And it’s no one’s fault but mine.

Peter didn’t believe Jesus when he told him that before the cock crows twice you’ll deny me three times. I found myself in a space of denying my Lord. And I’ve been in bondage ever since. Trying to break free of the stronghold but finding it extremely difficult. More so difficult because the word love comes into play. The gravity of love is dangerous, especially when it’s a complicated love.

I’ve been in denial about if I’m reaping the wages of sin. In March of this year I was laid off my job. At the time I didn’t care because honestly, I hated the job. I had been in the field for 10 years and truthfully, I was burnt out. I really wanted to focus on my entrepreneurial endeavors. But on the flip side I was comfortable and felt secure with that guaranteed paycheck every two weeks. I ran with the assumption of “well it must be my time to excel as an entrepreneur.” So I declared with glee, “Full-time entrepreneurship here I come!”

I was ready! I was excited! In the back of my mind, I really wondered if I lost the comforts of my job so that God could get my attention because I’d gone off the deep end by now. But I shrugged along and just promised I’d do better.

So now I look up at my life 5 months later since March and I’m literally shaking my head. Shaking my head because I have been hustling. I mean hustling, really trying to do this entrepreneur thing. Saying, “OK, God. You let me off work, so you must have a plan for me to be successful. What’s going on? Why do I get all of these great opportunities that are falling through? What am I doing wrong?” But yet, Optimistic, Hopeful Ty keeps pushing through. Now don’t get me wrong some great things have happen, but I gotta eat. Great opportunities don’t put food on the kitchen table.

Listen here. I’ll say this again, I’m a prideful woman. I don’t never, ever want a handout. I’m willing to earn my keep. I’m willing to work for what I should have. But it’s like I’m standing there on the corner in a fancy suit, hair neat, make up done with a sign “will work for food” and no one cares. Yeah, I’m busy and I have clients but it’s barely paying the bills.

So it brings me back to wondering, am I paying the wages of my sins? Clearly had I had my spirit life in order I could be more confident that this was simply a trying of my faith. Just waiting on the manifestation of the salvation of the Lord. But because I have these iniquities going on I don’t know what part of this is the test and what part of this is the punishment. Do y’all understand where I’m coming from?

Although my life at this point says otherwise, I really do love God. I know some none religious people may think I’m being too hard on myself, but those that really do live by the word understand where I’m coming from. My Pastor said there is a difference between the “Church World” and the “House of God”. I don’t want to be a part of the Church-World. I want to be a part of the House of God. When you’re a part of the Church-World you can do you and still have God. But when you’re in the House of God, you must live a life of holiness and sanctification.

I hope I didn’t lose anyone. I’m just speaking what I know should be the truth for my life. So again, if you ask me if I’m OK. NO! I’m not OK. I want to be OK, though. I want the life back that I used to have. I want my businesses to prosper and part of me feels like that is conditional of my spirit life. Again, I’m talking about my life. I want to be married and have a family and part of me feels that is conditional of my spirit life. Again, I’m talking about my life.

Those that can get a prayer through… pray for me. But truly and honestly, I know this is my battle. I must make some hard decisions to get my life on track. It’s almost like being a drug addict. I need to confess that I’m an addict, go into rehab (fast and pray), and change my choices of life.

#imnotok #imok

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