It happened somewhere around The Color Purple...
Ever had an Oh Sophia moment? Let me explain…
Remember that scene in the movie The Color Purple when Sophia finally came to herself and snapped out of the prison she was in in her mind and declared, “Oh, Sophia’s home now! Thangs gon’ be changin’ ‘round here, too!”
I recently had that moment. Now I know this blog is new and some of you may be getting to know me but life has been changing pretty quickly for me over the past few months. September 17th I recognized the void that was in my life. A few weeks after that I had a break up. Shortly after that I took a break from social media to get my mind together. Then on October 11, 2017 something life changing happened for me… I got a breakthrough.
The women of the church I belong to had a Unity and Strength Empowerment Brunch. I was in a funky place. I was feeling some type of way about my spiritual life and relationship with God. I was feeling sad about my break up with my boyfriend. I needed some clarity in my life and didn’t quite know what to expect at the brunch. I went to the brunch out of obedience and routine. I always support my church so going wasn’t the issue; I was dead and didn’t quite know if the brunch was going to help me. Sometimes when you’re in a dead season of your life you have to force your spirit to be receptive to help.
You could tell that the speakers on the panel was fasted and prayed up. From the beginning to the end those ladies came out with power and conviction. It was there that something broke in my spirit and my heart cracked open to let healing, love, and deliverance come in. From that day on I purposed in myself that I would let God finish the work.
Rewinding just a little bit let me give you some personal insight. At the latter end of 2016 I had a minor melt down. The last week of that year I took a week off from my job. The Monday when it was time for me to go back I began to have these anxiety attacks. I thought I was losing my mind, I could not push myself to return to work. Due to these attacks I was having I went to the hospital to get checked out and they sent me to a therapist. After speaking to the therapist about some of the issues from the past few years it was discovered that I had been in a delayed depressive state from the result of my divorce in 2014. My body and mind would no longer allow me to repress the feelings that I had toward my divorce. I had buried it down for two years. After gaining some clarity over my divorce and being able to finally let it go, I told myself I will never allow anyone to hurt me again. Therapy helped me naturally so, but my spirit was still in need of repair.
In that feeling of never letting anyone hurt me again, I completely shut myself down emotionally to everyone and everything… even God. I was a robot just going through the motions of life. I had declared that I was going to do me. What did that really mean exactly? I didn’t know, but what I did know was that I no longer was going to follow rules, but I was going to do what made me happy. Haha. Yeah, right. I wasn’t happy at all. At the end of the day that attitude I had wasn’t even my personality. Doing me meant ignoring God. And at the very core of who I am, I am a Woman of God. Period. I could no longer walk in that woman who was doing her. I didn’t like her very much come to find out.
Present day: On my way home from work a few days ago, I saw the image of Miss Sophia sitting at that table making her declaration with a smile on her face. In that moment of reflection I realized that Ty was finally home again. I lost myself for a minute, but now I found her and it feels so great!!
My eyes are open and I can see clearly again. I know who I am and what I want out of life. I have always been a very strong woman, but I neglected to care for the natural sensitive part of my nature. Somewhere down the line I told myself that it wasn’t OK to cry, be sensitive, and express how I felt. But that is not what God wants us to do. We’re human. He knows we’re going to have trials and tribulations in this life. He doesn’t expect us to bury them down and ignore them, but expects us to give them over to him and get healing. I now understand that crying is an act of healing. And expression is an act of releasing.
I was supposed to start CircaPurple in June 2017. That couldn’t happen because I wasn’t ready emotionally and spiritually. I said I wanted to be authentic and speak from the heart. In the state I was in I just wasn't ready. Thank God I’m ready now though…