Circa Soul: Why I Don't Hate My Ex's Significant Other

Updated: Nov 29, 2018

It happened somewhere around a picture of my baby on Easter...

Resurrection Sunday, I was at home getting dressed for church. I hear the alert on my phone announcing that I’ve received a new text message. I pick up my phone and glance at the preview notification. It reads, “Hi Ty, from one Christian mother to another…” It was a text from my ex’s significant other. Suddenly my interest was piqued and I was curious to what the rest of the message said. Honestly, I thought it was a chain letter that she was sending… maybe thought of by a current girlfriend of someone else’s ex out in the world and it somehow made its way to me via her.

As I opened up the message in its entirety, I was surprised and elated to see that it was actually a picture of my son in a blue Easter suit with all smiles getting ready to go to church with his other family. My heart smiled as I read over the rest of the message that she sent me and we exchanged pleasantries. Genuine, sincere, heart-to-heart pleasantries from the ex to the current sweetheart.

We live in a society today where the norm seems to be portrayed on social media and reality TV that the current girlfriends, baby mamas, and ex-wives aren’t supposed to get along. But for me this doesn’t make sense, especially when there are children involved. I’m not saying that we’re all supposed be best friends and sister wives or what-not, but there should be a sense of togetherness so that life can be made easier for all parties involved. The Bible asks a great question, how can two walk together except they agree? (Amos 3:3) In this case, it’s three of us.

As a mother, I am always looking out for the best interest of my son. I remember in the early stages of my separation and divorce from my ex, I had to have the hard talk with myself to acknowledge that my son would be around other women. I had enough wisdom to pray for strength and understanding in this area. In the early stages I had to pray that I didn’t take out my feelings about my failed relationship and the fact, at that time, that I still wanted to be with my ex out on any woman that he chose to seriously be with. Then once I fully got over him it became easier to accept relationships that he would be in.

So fast-forward, we have this unique dynamic. When some people hear about this and look at my situation, some even assuming that I’m lonely and man-less, they naturally feel sorry for me. Offering encouraging words and other remarks reassuring me that God will bless me with a family of my own one day. But if I’m honest, I’m good – I mean seriously, I’m good. You see over the past year I’ve learned to pray for my ex and his new family. I genuinely pray for their longevity as a couple and for their blended family. I pray that my ex looks at our failed relationship and see what he can do better as a spouse and hopefully give her what he was unable to give me. Do you want to know why? Because there are children involved.

As a mother I recognize that the best interest of my son is that he has stability and a constant home, even if he’s living in two separate homes at the result of my ex and I co-parenting. I find that in the best interest of my son, as well as the girlfriend’s children, that I pray and ask God that my ex’s relationship with his girlfriend lasts and that it’s fruitful. Not just that they tolerate each other for the sake of the kids, but that there is real love in the midst of them. My son needs to see real #blacklove and what family is – on both sides with his father and from me. And honestly and truthfully, I don’t want my son to be uprooted out of his home to be moved to a new home with just his father and him, lose relationship with children that he considers his brother and sisters, and then some new woman comes in the picture, who may possibly have children, and a cycle repeats itself.

My son is in his formative years. He doesn’t need to see his father in inconsistent relationships with different women and think that is how he’s supposed to be when he grows up. As well as my son shouldn’t see men come in and out of my life. Every decision I make I choose to make it for well-being of my son. I’m happy that the woman my ex chose to be with is mature and loves my son as her own – a mother couldn’t ask for a better gift. It takes a village to raise a child! And I’d happily be the same way for the children of any man that I’m in relation with because I understand that children need stability and love. I’d be a foolish woman to make war when no war needs to be made. Bitter baby mamas and ex-wives are played out. (Get the t-shirt !).

Now of course I live in the real-world and I know that all relationships don’t function and flow this easily. I acknowledge for some that there are other factors that make this type of relationship I’m speaking about difficult to have. But the bigger picture many need to consider is our children go through so much already. It’s time that, as adults, we not be so self-centered and choose to put the children first. We must consider the children involved in these situations and begin to make decisions that are in their best interest.

I salute mature women because you all make the world a little better to live in. And I send hugs and kisses to my ex’s significant other and let her know that I appreciate her for being an active member of my son’s village. I’m blessed!


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