It happened somewhere around sleeping alone in my bed…
I’m in crisis, one that I’m sure will pass – they always do. But I’m feeling all the feels today.
I don’t have anything that I want (haven’t for about 3 years now), and some days I wake up, and I’m not happy at all about it. I’ve learned to be a very optimistic person. I’m sure that I would have had a nervous breakdown by now had I not obtained this trait.
Today is just one of those days. On the brink of my 37th birthday, June 24th, to be exact, I’m having a moment of realizing I have nothing.
I know I have a lot to be grateful for. Like trust me, I know that things can be a bit worse, but today… I FEEL…
Here’s a list of the nothings I don’t have that I want:
TO OWN MY OWN HOME: There’s a lot of factors that play a part in why this is not a reality for me today. Most of this is my fault, a few bad decisions, and just life occurring in general.
MONEY IN THE BANK: As an entrepreneur, I am building, but it’s a process. I work a job right now that I hate. But I feel stuck there because it’s paying the bills, barely, but it’s keeping me somewhat afloat. Most months my business breaks even. I’m still trying to find that formula that allows me to profit with more consistency. When I have a good month of actual profit, I pay myself and try to save some money or pay off a bill.
Being poor is not great for your morale and self-confidence. Do any of you know what it feels like to go work somewhere that you hate? Then on top of that, feel slighted because it’s not even worth it financially, but you have to because you need to barely keep a roof over your head and food in your child’s mouth. That probably explains a lot of working adults right now – an unnecessary evil I tell you.
TO BE MARRIED: Disclaimer: being married is not all it’s cracked up to be. I’m a divorcee of 5 years this October. Wow, I just realized I’ve been divorced for 5 years. Most days I’m content in my unwed status. However, there are days, like today, that I wake up alone and wonder why I’m not married yet.
I want to share my life with someone, I still believe in fairy tales. Although I’ve learned to throw reality into the vision, I feel like I need that fairy tale - sometimes. I know that being married doesn’t make me whole and complete. I’m already complete. But I’d like a life-long companion and someone to grow old with. I have the one whom I love, but I think we have a long while before we get to marriage. So, I’m just waiting… I guess… *whatever emoji and shoulder shrug*
Clearly, I don’t want much, but a whole lot when you look at the entire scheme of things. I’m trying to figure everything out. It’s a thin line between waiting on God and God telling you that, “the things you want have nothing to do with me, you just have to go and get them.”
I feel better that I’ve vented and gotten it off my chest. Even now, I think the moment is passing, and I’m going back to my usual glass-half-full self. Even David in the Bible had to get things off his chest and then come back to reality to know that God was still in control and that everything would work out the way it was supposed to.
In my life right now I’m waiting for all the cards to fall so I can just start over. No one intentionally blows down their house of cards, hope tells me that I can still build upon it even though it’s shaky. But in the back of my mind, I know the inevitable is going to happen, but I just keep going until it does.
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