It happened somewhere around Yasir...
Disclaimer* This most definitely is not a post to which I’ve had extended time to sit in my thoughts and emotions on the topic, but a post of me speaking directly from my heart, right in the moment, concerning our beloved Black Men. However, not to invalidate what I’m going to say, I’m choosing to see things from a different perspective rather than what we’ve been taught over time.
As I sat down yesterday to write this post, I grabbed two tea bags from the Yogi Tea box. I was surprised at what the tea tags revealed, I thought the sayings were so befitting of today's post.
I passionately stand and say that I’m one of the million viewers who watch the television series Love Is_ on OWN. I knew that I would love the show from the first trailer during the promotion of the show. I’m a person who loves love and is not ashamed to say it. No matter how many times I’ve been hurt, once I heal, I can jump right back into love as if I’ve never been hurt before.
As I was watching this love story about Nuri and Yasir, I became deeply intertwined with their love. I felt the immediate love that was sparked between them. I appreciate that this wasn’t a drawn out, she’s-playing-hard-to-get type of love story. As I watch the character of Yasir, I understand being smitten of his mysterious, smooth, dark velvet swag. He has a way about him that I could probably see myself falling for too.
I recently wrote a Facebook post saying I see how Nuri was attracted to him. I said in a post that Yasir has a flair of humbleness mixed with some arrogance. Part of her wants to put him in his place, part of her likes his dominance.
I’m a woman that likes to be dominated, no matter how feisty I seem to be. He calls her out on her stuff and is unbothered about the wackness of his life at this moment.
As I was watching the show the other day, I stared at Yasir and suddenly realized that he totally needed to get his stuff together. I said to myself, “How dare he try and date and doesn’t have a pot to piss in!”
I stared at him some more and then said, “But what a brave man.”
Here Nuri is, this professional writer, having made a huge accomplishment of making it as a staff writer for a hit show. In my eyes she was doing big things compared to a man who didn’t have anything. She owned her own home, had her own car, was self-sufficient and independent. Most men in Yasir’s state wouldn’t have dared stepped to her.
Looking beyond what he didn’t have at the time, Yasir was a man of Islam – therefore he had some proudness about him. I don’t peg him as a man that enjoyed being in the place he was in. In all honesty and fairness toward his character, I don’t believe he wanted to be a bum and just stay in that place. He had goals and aspirations and he was trying to figure it out.
So just because he was trying to figure it out, did that mean he had to pass up his soul mate?
Fate of their relationship would tell us, no, he did not.
Another disclaimer* I am not saying that every woman needs to give a man in Yasir’s position a shot just for the sake of that he could be your soul mate. I acknowledge that Nuri was taking a HUGE risk on Yasir.
But again, Yasir was brave!!! Something had to be there, if he bumps into her a year later, remembers her name, and she falls for him – almost immediately.
So, I think to myself, how many of us judge this situation and say that Nuri was stupid or desperate to be with him? My inner conscious went back and forth about it. I was at ease about being OK with their love story because ultimately, I recognized that they would end up together in the end. But what if I didn’t know that? Would I be so open to their courtship? Would I be yelling at the screen telling Nuri to leave his broke butt alone? Honestly, I can’t say if I would or not.
Which brings me to the objective of this post. Recently I’ve been challenged with ideas of what it means to love a Black man right where he is. I’m in several discussion groups where this is top of discussion, as well as have my own situation concerning a Black man that I love.
Some of the consensus among our Black sisters is, why are we always obligated to take down while Black men just do them, and we need to wait and be patient until they get it together?
Black men and Black women hate each other on a level that is unexplainable and heartbreaking. I’m not saying this is the reality for all Blacks but it’s alive enough that no one can deny it.
But I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about finding a way to love a Black man unconditionally and responsibly.
I don’t know, I guess call it taking on a Jesus complex. I realize that Jesus has a whole lot of patience with me when it comes to my salvation. He continually intercedes for me because he knows the devil comes to sift me as wheat (Luke 22:31). So, if Jesus resides in me, where’s my long suffering and compassion for the Black Man? Where am I holding him up?
Now don’t get me wrong, Jesus wasn’t a pushover, nor a fool and he doesn’t expect me to be. But he requires me to attempt to love in a way that heals, rather than cause further damage.
I do believe that America has striped our Black men of something that is more spiritual than natural – and to a certain extent some Black women have contributed to that. The broken homes created in our families mentally destroyed many of our men and have them lost in finding their place in America’s society.
I was raised to honor family and always desired a two-parent household growing up. I don’t subscribe to the breaking up of families. Recently, someone showed me a video of Black women being interviewed – the video is from 1987. These women were asked if the men they currently were in relations with and had babies with, if they wanted to marry them. It was amazing to me that these women stated they did not want to marry them. Some of the women even stated that they didn’t want to be committed to being in the relationship and stated that they felt they could make it as a single mother and didn’t see the value of having a man in the home. How does a woman say that knowing that she is also raising a man?
If you don’t believe me see the clip here on YouTube...
Now look, I know that the absentee of the fathers missing in the homes during the late 70s and up until that period in the video may have contributed to their mindset, but I’m wondering why did we as Black women accept it? It was like slavery repeating itself – once again using Blacks against each other to keep us in bondage.
It is a true fact that when they introduced welfare programs into American society in the 1960s, more so the Black culture, the women realized they benefited more when they didn’t have a male figure in the home. If American welfare government saw them as “out-of-wedlock and mothers of assistance needy families”, they were more inclined to help those families. It’s a shame that America would rather keep the Black family separate, rather than make a way for Black men to support their families – yet Black women accepted it and empowered it -- to a certain extent.
Another, another disclaimer* We go back and forth on whose to blame for the current state of the Black American family. No one is 100% blame and there are many uncontrollable factors that Blacks can’t get around. But today, in this post, I choose to call acknowledgement to Black women on our contribution to some things.
On top of Black women sometimes pushing Black men away, Black men are notorious for fighting each other in the physical concrete jungles that they live in – as well as the ones they’re trapped in in their minds. They are trying to get free but they’re forever in a mindset that someone is out to get them. They believe their women feel they ain’t ish, and they are fighting to have a voice in this world. Black women are too, but we’re much more able to be vocal than our Black men are.
In the year of the woman, America hears Black women loud and clear, but the question is do they hear our men? Though Black women are still fighting on many levels, America knows our gripe even if they try to ignore it. But are we really using our voices for our Black men, too?
Don’t get me wrong, I know our men do some jacked up things, but all of them are not like the images of savageness we see in the media and in our neighborhoods. Some men absolutely get the evil treatment taken out on them for what another knuckle head with no sense has done.
I’m not making excuses for no one, but I know our men need some love. In a Facebook group I’m in, a brother asked if we can pray for our men. And I whole-heartedly stand to do so.
To our Black men we have a responsibility to love them and hold them accountable. I have a Black son whom I’m raising. I try my best to teach him in a responsible way. To love him but, yet teach him, with the leadership of his father, to be a strong Black man. To respect women, to choose to take care of his responsibilities as he grows up and one day become a dad. He’ll be reared to be a productive citizen and to respect his elders. I don’t want my son to follow the rebellious trend of this world. But I also don’t want my son to be walked over by America. If my son grows up to be a revolutionary, I will stand behind him 100% - but will always encourage him to do it responsibly.
I don’t want to be like my fellow sister who lets her son get away with not being responsible for the children he produces or selling drugs or contributing nothing into this world.
I’m trying to love a man to life, one brother at a time. It’s not the easiest thing to do but I’m in the fight with our Black men. This is more spiritual than anything. The negative things we see in our Black men is not them, but a spiritual force that they can’t even control. But the Bible tells us to feed our enemy when they’re hungry and give drink when they’re thirsty. And with spreading that love we’ll heap coals of fire on their heads. Our Black men are not our enemies, but that spirit that controls them is.
We must kill that enemy that wants to take our men down with compassion, empathy, prayer, and force. Some of this battle will require some psychological warfare. We must be concerned about putting our Black Kings back on top. They deserve to sit on the thrones that God predestined them to have.
I don’t consider myself a feminist (I’m sure that is known by this post), but I’m also not a woman who agrees with men ideologies just to be on their side. I’ve always had a neutral personality. Calling what’s right, right and what’s wrong, wrong. I also believe that men are the head of the families and deserve that respect. But I also believe women are valuable assets to any man, and any man that feels he can do better without a woman is delusional. We are each other’s ying and yang. We need to work to stand together, but women we need to be determined to help our men grow.