Loved To Death

It happened somewhere around mercy...

On yesterday, Monday, 11/19/18, Dr. Tamara E. O’Neal’s ex-fiancée shot her to death here in Chicago, along with two others – CPD Officer, Samuel Jimenez and a Mercy Hospital employee, Dayna Less.

Before the specifics came out about this situation, in my hearts-of-hearts, I knew that it was domestic related.

There’s an innate understanding that the holiday season brings out the darkest emotions in some people. I think it’s because, as a country, we put so much emphasis on celebrating the holidays. This is the time of year when we expect people who say they love us to express their love the most. And also, this is the time of year when people feel that they’re all alone in this world – especially if they’re not in a relationship with anyone or are estranged from their families.

It is reported that O’Neal bravely called off her wedding to her ex a month before they were supposed to get married this past October. Given his recent activity, I’d say that she was right to call off the wedding. Clearly there was something wrong in this relationship. She was brave to say I’d be making a huge mistake committing to this man – regardless if it was her that was at fault or him.

With respect to the dead, because I’m sure her ex has family and their hurt by this as well, I won’t bad mouth this man. Honestly, because I don’t know him and there are still a lot of details missing – but I’ll never say his name.

As I recalled watching the news, as they interviewed people who were in direct contact with tragedy as it played out, I noticed something significant in all the faces. One-by-one, I noticed how they all displayed eerie smirks. Tears in their eyes, yet no frowns, but smirks.

Living in Chicago, you’re used to hearing about violence. Depending on the part of the City you live in, you may also be used to being amid the violence.

I believe the smirks on these terrified souls were smirks of relief that they survived. These were not condescending, nonchalant smirks. But smirks gripping to keep it together because they’d just experienced the most terrifying situation in their lives.

This tragedy happened all because a brave woman realized it wasn’t wise to commit to a relationship that wasn’t for her. This also makes me think about a woman name Julia Martin, who, too, was killed by her ex after breaking off their engagement and relationship. She was tragically murdered in October 2016.

There are other women who are brave, too. But these brave women experience a different tragedy. These women are trapped in relationships that are going nowhere. Relationships that are not always abusive, but by men who are holding them hostage mentally and emotionally.

Held hostage because he won’t make a full commitment but will not allow her to be free for real love to come into her life by a man more deserving.

Black women can’t catch a break in love.

We’re stupid for hanging in there and enduring struggle love. We’re too strong and independent and won’t give a man a chance and would rather be alone. Because we have our lives together, we are too intimidating to some men to even approach us. We have too much baggage from previous relationships and can’t find a strong man to love us through it – yet we’re expected to love them through all of their flaws. Because our mothers taught us how to be good mates, it makes us too good to be true in our relationships, and our men don’t trust us – they think we always have something up our sleeves or that we’re going to change on them. We believe in celibacy – rather for religious or personal reasons – and a man doesn’t want to wait on us because he can’t taste the milk first.

This could go on and on!!!

It’s tiring!

But then some of us get stuck. We get stuck in relationships out of fear to walk away. The last thing on our mind is the unimaginable rage of an ex-lover who kills us. But we are in fear of being alone. Fear that we’ll spend the rest of our lives alone because OUR men won’t love and commit to us.

Why are we blamed for learning to adapt to the lack of love and commitment that we’ve been enduring for decades?


But our adaptation is killing us.

I’m still a supporter of OUR MEN! I will always encourage and support, but I don’t want it to be at the determent of who I am as a person. I love me some Black Men! I naturally have an empathetic heart towards people. But we cannot become your punching bags – figuratively or literally.

I often hear wounded men give this narrative that women today are not right, and they are just as worse as men. This is usually their rebuttal for their inappropriate behavior toward women. I’d like to leave this post that I posted in 2014 on Facebook as food for thought:

I didn’t get a lot of support on this post…

Thanks for listening!!!

Did you order your copy, yet? Now available in e-book and paperback. Paperbacks will be personally autographed!!! Click the link to order!

#loveiscomplicated #blogger #chicagoblogger #womenblogger #blacklove #loveis #drtamaraeoneal #daynaless #officersamualjimenez #domesticviolence #mercyhospital #juliamartin