It happened somewhere around a question from a friend...
The tag line for CircaPurple is: faith. soul. my opinion.
If you’ve been following me, you’ve definitely realized that I’ve been in a soul mood lately. I’ve been working on my faith, and right now I don’t have much of an opinion about anything because I’m trying to work out my life.
Also if you’ve been following me, you know I reference the one whom I love often. I truly enjoy him but our relationship is so complicated. It definitely has elements of struggle love. It’s an emotional struggle love, however.
He’s not abusive. He’s not an f-boy. He is kind to me. He cares about me. He loves me. But we struggle.
Struggle about what? I anticipate you ask.
We struggle emotionally. We struggle because he’s a tough man who is learning how to deal with his feelings. A man who is willing to love but has moments of fear that causes him to take three steps back after he’s already taken two steps forward. In one moment he tells me he’ll marry me, then in the next moment he’s going on a rant about how he’s not playing with me and he will not deal with a woman that will hurt him. (He has a little bit baggage).
He’s a man who’s afraid to allow me to break his bubble. I absolutely recognize that when he’s in my presence my magical, loving energy has the power to neutralize, charm, and overtake him. He doesn’t like that power I have over him – he’s still learning to trust me with that power.
In a frustrating moment of venting to a good girlfriend of mine she asked me: “Do you need him?”
Without hesitation I replied back, “No. I want him.”
Very simple. I don’t need him. I can walk away at any time. I’m definitely secure in who I am. An independent woman who knows that she’s attractive and has no issue with getting a man – that’s if I just wanted any ole body. Heck, I could even say I have stand-bys for companionship if I wanted to go that route. But I don’t want to be talking to somebody just to be talking to somebody.
Question. Have you ever loved someone just the way they are?
For the first time in my life I can say that I have. For real, flaws and all, I really love him just the way he is. He’s tough and strong. Aloof at times. Quiet to the point of insanity at times. Strong-willed and bull-headed. Alpha male to the highest alpha. And I love all of it. Don’t want him to change a thing. My only desire is for him to wholly love me back and let me in.
However, as I look at our relationship, I realize I’m often the burden bearer of all things we go through. I speak up when absolutely necessary, but for the most part I’m nurturing, patient, and loving because I know his soul needs it.
Sometimes I feel like a martyr for love. Mar·tyr: /märdƏr/ - a person who is killed because of their beliefs.
This has nothing to do with religion, but everything to do with love. I hang in there with him because of love. Have you ever just loved someone like that?
In my book, Purple Potpourri & Sacred Vulnerability, I wrote a poem entitled, “God Complex, Jesus Martyr”. It’s a poem of how I equated my love for the one whom I love to how God loves us.
I understand why relationships are the way they are.
There’s a little bit of God in all of us.
The reality is we hold on to a love that doesn’t deserve us with long-suffering.
We all have a little bit of grace in us too.
I kill myself for you over and over.
I get on my heart’s cross just to keep you around.
Hoping you’d see the sacrifice and weep at the thought of my love.
I look beyond your flaws and see your heart.
I believe there is good in it.
Isn’t a man supposed to lay down his life for a friend?
I gave up my only begotten son for you – you said it just wasn’t the right time.
My mercies and grace renew for you every morning.
I get angry and jealous and show my wrath. You plead, and I repent of my anger towards you.
Only for you to return back to your wicked ways.
I give you life?
You don’t want it?
I can’t sit here and have you to think that I have an iron heart and can withstand the pain that comes with this love. I’ve had many occasions where I told my love that we’re going to be just friends. To which I always change my mind because I realize how much I actually really do love him.
There are a lot of women, some even on my social media friends list, who will probably read this and think I’m stupid. If they had any respect for me they may have lost a little after reading this post. But I don’t care because I’m not ashamed of the love that I have for him.
I can only pray that after some time that we get things together. I pray we have a story of victory with love, rather than a report of I finally had to walk away. We may be struggling, and at times our relationship is barely there – but I’m not ready to give up just yet.
I think I’ll stick around because honestly I’m in no rush to just throw myself back out there on the market. I have a little time to waste. I’m willing to waste it with him for the time being.
Thanks for listening!!!