It happened somewhere around this pit in my stomach...
Can I be honest about something? This is a quick Circa Soul moment… absolutely not what I intended to post tonight on my blog. I’ll still post about that tonight - "Martyr for Love: A Struggle Love Story".
But I want to be totally transparent and honest about some feelings.
Why am I not happily married-ever-after-after-divorce?
My ex-husband and I are happily divorced. We have a great co-parenting relationship for our son and we get along great. We are friends – for real.
We recently became friends again on social media – he requested the friendship.
When I accepted the friend request it was nothing, I didn’t think anything of it. Until the first time I saw him post pictures of them together. Them meaning him and his new girlfriend of about 2 years I believe.
*Ouch* was my initial response. Not because I was still in love. Not because I was jealous. Not because I was upset.
But the ouch was because it reminded me that after 4 years of being divorced I was still alone. Barely in a complicated relationship that I’m not even sure where it’s going.
I said to myself that I wasn’t going to unfriend him because I had to face this reality. I’m truly happy for him and his girlfriend. I really like her. She’s good for all of us. I have many witnesses that can confirm that I’ve said this on many occasions.
But I have to be honest, I thought I’d be blessed with love by now after being rejected by a man who was supposed to love me for better or for worst, for richer or for poorer.
A real honest question I have: Why does he get love when he was the one that left and cheated on me and I’m still stuck in a barely-there relationship? (Sorry ex, but that the truth, that’s my truth).
*Disclaimer: I'm well aware that me being stuck in this relationship with the one whom I love is my decision. I'm not complaining about it, but just being completely honest about this whole thing. I love him and I can't help it.
**And for full disclosure: I was NOT PERFECT in our marriage. I made some bad financial decisions that effected us and I became physical with him upon finding out some of his indiscretions.
Back to the matter at hand.
I don’t mind or care that he has love, I want him to have it. He deserves it. But I want my own, too – don’t I deserve it, too?
So yesterday, I’m casually scrolling through Facebook and I come across a post he posted with him and his girlfriend on a couple’s date/wedding they attended.
There’s that *ouch* again, but it wasn’t so bad. I shrugged it off and kept it moving. I smiled. They looked cute together.
Then this morning I’m scrolling again, then she posted pics of them and tagged him… y’all know how Facebook works…
*Ooooouuuucccchhhhh* - this ouch was bigger this morning because the ambiguity of my barely there struggle relationship was fresh on my mind and I was forced to see the reality of my situation again.
So if you have been following me this year, you know my new word is Vulnerability.
This is my vulnerable post to get this feeling off of me. I’m sure many people will interpret this post differently in their own little way, and that’s fine with me. Some may see me as foolish and "psychologize" me about what I'm really feeling. Or some may totally relate. But I wanted to let that off my chest so the enemy won’t bother me about it.
One day I’ll have love again, or maybe not. And I’ll be fine, at some point, either way. But I know I can’t be the only one with some ouches…
For real. Thanks for listening!!!